When someone is in hospital, they may be:
Its OK not to talk and just sit together. Maybe hold hands.
But, if you/they want talk, here are 10 things not to say.
1. “What can I do to help?”
Most patients hate this question because as kind-hearted as it sounds, it actually shifts the burden back on them. The truth is .. the patient is not going to tell you.
Amongst other reasons, they don’t want to admit that they need help.
Instead of asking, offer a specific action like, “I’m going to drop off a home-cooked meal for your family on Tuesday.”
2. “My thoughts and prayers are with you”
Many people will be thinking about you, which is lovely. Others pray for you, which is equally generous.
Though meant to be generous, this has become a somewhat mindless cliché. If you are a person of faith, feel free to pray privately—you don’t necessarily need to announce it.
If you aren’t, “I’m thinking of you” is far more grounded and sincere.
3. “Everything will be OK”
How do you know? The truth is that most of us don’t know what to say in these situations, so we end up falling back on chirpy slogans: ‘Chin up!’ ‘You’ll get through this’ or ‘Feel grateful every day’.
But these banalities are more often designed to make you feel better than the patient. Since you don’t know the prognosis, don’t predict the future.
4. “You look great”
Nice try, but who are you kidding? We have bags under our eyes, we have bruises all over our bodies, we’re wearing baggy clothes because of all the devices that get plugged into us, and our colostomy bags need emptying.
It’s understandable that you are comparing us with your memory of us.
But. Offering a compliment that is clearly untrue can feel dismissive of the physical struggle they are currently enduring.
5. “You must be getting so much rest”
Hospitals are not hotels or spas. It is not a holiday.
They are noisy, brightly lit, and busy environments. Between midnight blood pressure checks, early morning medication rounds, and the constant hum of machines, ‘rest’ is the one thing most patients are desperately lacking.
So you are unlikely to have a good nights rest.
6. “I completely understand what this is like”
Fake empathy. No, you don’t. How do you know how they are feeling?
Even if you have been hospitalised before, everyone’s pain threshold, diagnosis, and emotional response are different. You cannot truly know exactly how they feel in this specific moment.
7. “It could be worse” or “I don’t think it’s serious” or “Think positive”
Again, how do you know? They will be either thinking positively or not. You cannot change that.
8. “You’re so lucky to binge-watch Netflix or ‘how about eating organic from now on?’
Ridiculous.
Suggesting that a hospital stay is a ‘vacation’ for catching up on shows is insensitive. Additionally, offering unsolicited medical or dietary advice—like eating organic or trying herbal supplements—is rarely helpful when someone is already following a professional clinical plan.
9. “The doctors and nurses are so lovely. They are so busy and work so hard”
Whilst true, the patient is the one suffering, not the staff.
It’s their job to be hard-working and busy, kind and empathetic, and they are paid for it (the doctors very well).
10. “You look tired/old/a mess”
Not helpful.
Hospital stays can be incredibly draining, both physically and emotionally. When visiting, it is helpful to remember that the patient might be feeling quite ill, irritable, or simply ‘checked out.’ Often, they are quietly concentrating all their internal energy on the recovery process.
Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is sit in a comfortable silence or offer a gentle hand to hold.
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